The Toddler Horror Show


Vampires, ghosts, goblins, werewolves, zombies

…all scary, sure. But if one came knocking on my door with the intention to frighten me, I would be like, “Um, no, not today. You’re going to have to try again because I’m the mother of a toddler.” If you’ve ever lived under the same roof as a toddler, or you know a toddler, or you’ve seen a toddler, then you know that these tiny humans are quite possibly the scariest little monsters one could ever encounter.   

toddler horror show

Oh, they are cute, do not get me wrong. Yes, there are moments of the day when toddlers will melt your heart into a puddle on the floor with their sweet and loving ways.   

But what happens if you cut the toast into squares when they wanted their toast whole? If you’re like me, you will be grabbing any favorite toy within reach to attempt to make peace or distract the little monster. Usually this plan backfires in my face as the toy gets thrown across the room in a fit of rage only toddlers and hulks are capable of demonstrating. Maybe a yummy graham cracker shaped liked an adorable animal will pacify the beast. I actually know that it won’t, but give it a try anyway. Why, in the name of all things good and pure did I ever think that cutting that toast into squares was a smart idea? I know he liked it that way yesterday, but that was YESTERDAY! I would make another slice of toast, but that was the last piece of bread. I am a doomed mama. There’s a better chance of me surviving a zombie invasion at this point. At least zombies seem less temperamental. They’ll eat brains any way they are dished up. I might even be able to negotiate with a zombie.   

As we approach Halloween, toddler mamas are planning Halloween costumes for their toddlers. I  had to start Halloween shopping in September, hoping to stumble across the toddler sized costume of my dreams. Oh, yes, and the kiddo’s dreams. It’s about them, right? I’ve been doing side jobs all summer long to pay for it. So now I have an outrageously overpriced, yet uncontrollably adorable costume and wrestle with options available to me:   

Option 1. Try it on NOW and swoon over the cuteness of the whole thing.   

Option 2. Demonstrate amazing self-control and wait until the big day to put it on for the first time.   

If I go with option 1, in my mind’s eye, my toddler will be so totally thrilled with the costume that he will never want to take it off. Taking it off will result in a tantrum, which we know is scarier than a zombie invasion. What’s wrong with wearing it for an hour? He’s so stinking cute in his little outfit and he can just play quietly on the floor in the living room with his toys. When I take it off, it will go in a closet and he’ll forget all about it. Life is sweet and my mind’s eye is so naïve. If all the stars align and the toddler actually does want to wear the costume, playing quietly on the floor is the last thing he wants to do. That child will be doing everything that has never been imagined to create a mess and chaos in their costume. When you finally do get it off of him, after the dust from the tantrum has cleared, the next two months will be spent spot cleaning spaghetti sauce off of the dang thing.   

To go with option 2, what will surely happen is that on the actual day of the party or trick-or-treating event, the costume will not fit and/or the child will absolutely refuse, with every last fiber of his being, to wear it. Where are the zombies when you need them?   

Mamas of the world, be encouraged. 

If it’s a cute and adorable costume you’re going for, nothing is cuter than your little sweetie dressed simply and comfortably, free from hats, masks, and bulky shark suits. And if you are a mama who wants to send her toddler out in a frightening and scary costume, but people have to ask what they’re supposed to be, just tell them your child is a scary toddler…and it’s not a costume!  Can’t you just hear the scary movie music now?   


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