It’s just a matter of basic math: we have arrived in the era where our age implies that those who have raised us are entering retirement and becoming elderly and we will be grieving our losses from here on out. It is a change in your 30s and 40s that no one seems to prepare you for. If you are lucky enough to be blessed with grandparents that are still alive, this era arrives with the abrupt domino effect of the older generation of people in your life becoming ill or dying. This unforeseen but obvious turn of the page seems to have hit everyone I know at the same time. We are all grieving cancer diagnoses, sudden deaths or declining parents and grandparents.
We are no longer the youngest generation in our families; our children have replaced us. We now carry the torch in caring for our parents and grandparents. If your life circumstances are like mine, you are attending funerals, grieving the cognitive decline of the elders in your life, and realizing that your parents are no longer the spring chickens they used to be. But on top of all of this, you are caring for your own family and children at the same time.
How do you care for yourself in the midst of caring for everyone else? What are the habits and practices that you are going to maintain through this season that are going to set you up to be the healthiest version of yourself, both physically and emotionally?
What I have found to be true is that whatever you do, you are not meant to carry your burdens alone. In our individualist American culture, we are enculturated to understand we rely on ourselves, grieving our losses alone and keeping our emotions private. Which has resulted is the loneliest generation of people, getting lonelier as observed in young people (source). Whether you find support in your spouse, in your local church, in your mom’s groups, sharing your stories with an empathetic witness is the most important endeavor you could embark on. Rather than checking out on social media, binge watching television or eating and drinking away your feelings, reach out and find support in the people around you.
If you don’t have people around you, this becomes mission number one. MomCo (formerly MOPS) is a great organization that has been around for years. You can find a local group through their website (https://www.themom.co/home) and begin creating a support system for yourself.
You can also look for groups online based on the specific area of community you are looking for. I lead a virtual women’s coaching group that centers around grieving our losses and it is an invitation for anyone who has something in their life they wish could have been different, better or more. It is a sacred community of women who meet twice monthly to process, explore and commune around some of the hardest experiences of their life. Finding support groups like this to create a space for you to feel your feelings and be invited into a more flourishing life is the bread and butter of what it means to look loneliness in the face and choose something different.
As we navigate this era of our lives, it is fraught with loss, overwhelm, and unpredictability. But how you cope and who you cope with doesn’t have to be. Create a space in your life to sit with your feelings, to share your burdens and have your pain witnessed. You were not meant to carry all of this alone.
