Peter’s Story
One, two, three, jump!
Peter’s mom yells, “Peter, stop jumping on the couch!”
Of course, Peter is having way too much fun and continues jumping on the couch.
Peter’s mom yells again, “Peter, I told you to stop jumping now!”
Peter continues to ignore his mom and not only continues to jump on the couch, but also begins jumping on and off it.
“Peter, I am your mother, and I told you to stop jumping on the couch! If you continue jumping on the couch, you will not get to go outside and you will go straight to bed.”
Peter ended up in bed.
Sarah’s Story
One, two, three, jump!
Sarah’s mom looks at Sarah and in a firm yet loving voice says, “Sarah, please stop jumping on the couch.”
Of course, Sarah is having way too much fun and continues jumping on the couch.
Still in a firm yet loving voice, Sarah’s mom says, “Sarah, I love you and you can get hurt jumping on the couch. I need you to stop jumping on the couch.”
Sarah continues to ignore her mom and continues to jump on the couch.
Still in a firm yet loving voice, Sarah’s mom says, “On the count of three, you have two choices: One, you can stop jumping on the couch and we can do a puzzle together. Two, if you continue to jump on the couch, you will have to sit on the time-out bench.”
Sarah chooses to stop jumping and chooses to put together puzzles with her mom.
Her mom replies, “Thank you for listening” and gives Sarah a BIG hug.
Which story do you relate to the most?
In the stories above, there are two different outcomes for the same inappropriate behavior. Can you guess what makes the difference? The answer may not be obvious, but it comes down to the relationship Peter’s mom has with Peter versus the relationship Sarah’s mom has with Sarah.
Many moms view discipline as something we do to correct bad behavior. However, the key to more cooperation and effective discipline is CONNECTION, not correction. I am not saying that we as moms will not have to correct inappropriate behavior, because kids are kids and at some point, correction will be needed. However, by building a trusting and respectful connection with our children, they understand that we care even when we are disciplining them. Connection-based discipline is often more effective than simply using time-outs or taking away a favorite toy or activity.
Now that you are in on the secret, below are five things you can do to build that robust, respectful, fun-loving relationship with your child that will lead to a lot more cooperation.
5 Simple Actions To Building a Strong Connection with your Child
Action 1: Spend at least 20 minutes a day giving your child undivided attention. This means turn off all electrical devices: the smartphone, computer, TV, and so forth. It also means putting all chores on hold physically, as well as in your mind. Now that there are no interruptions, talk, play, read, sing, and dance with your child.
Action 2: Actively play with your child. Go out and toss a ball, finger paint, or skip, hop and jump. It doesn’t matter if you can’t catch a ball or are artistically challenged. Find something that actively engages your child while letting you have fun together. One of my children’s favorite things to do is to throw and kick a soccer ball. It’s amazing how such a simple thing generates so much laughter, excitement, and bonding.
Action 3: Spend 5-10 minutes before bed reflecting on the day with your child. This is one of my favorite times of day. I love listening to what my toddler has to say. I find it fascinating to learn what excited him that day, or to hear about what hurt his feelings – like when his friend at school wouldn’t share the dinosaur puzzle. As for my baby, she cannot tell me about her day just yet, but I do talk to her about her day. I list the activities she engaged in during the day, and even ask her questions like, “Wasn’t it fun playing on the slide today?”
Action 4: Listen to your child. I can’t count the number of times I have seen and heard my son tell a grown-up something, when the grown-up only half listened or said “Yeah, really?” without hearing him. Young children are so forthcoming. If we listen closely enough, we would know what excites them, what their needs are, what makes them happy and sad, or where their little sister hid the remote! Don’t underestimate the power of listening to your child’s words with full attention.
Action 5: Hugs, Kisses, and Lots of TLC. I don’t think an explanation is needed here.
I would love to hear your stories of how things changed for you once you started implementing the 5 action steps to building a stronger connection with your child.
About Our Guest Blogger: 
Karen Van Cader loves waking up every morning knowing each day begins a new adventure with her amazing, energetic children, Ben and Alexa. I Love Lucy reruns make her laugh even if it’s the thousandth time she has seen an episode. And, she loves taking trips back to the East Coast where there is the ocean and Munson’s Chocolates. Besides her children, Karen’s other passion is her business, Motherhood in Training Pants, a webshow and resource for moms of children newborn to five.
