As an adoptive mom to children that do not look like me, I get inappropriate, awkward, and surprising comments from other people all the time. I totally understand that often they are well-meaning individuals. Not wanting to be one of “those people” towards adoptive families can leave people feeling frozen and even more awkward.
I think it is really important to teach our kids how to navigate these awkward situations. Especially as young people, they will find themselves in situations that are foreign to them simply due to a lack of life experience. We certainly won’t be there for all of them, but we can equip them so that don’t accidentally hurt someone’s feelings. If it is a different faith or ethnicity or family setting from their own, three little words can help them.
“Wow! That’s different!”
I think we shy away from differences being okay or interesting. Children are incredibly concrete and they over generalize their world into other peoples lives. They assume everything they have or know is the same for others. Simply teaching them that other people are different and that those differences are not “weird” can make a huge impact in those socially awkward moments. For example, people eat all sorts of animals all over the world. Knowing that goats are eaten in Haiti or horses in Kazakstan, can broaden their little worlds. That is something my girls already know. So when the topic of eating giraffes came up, they said in an interested tone, “Wow! that’s different!” Differences are fascinating. They should be celebrated! We are all created uniquely with our own stories. That can easily be enjoyed instead of pushed away.
In the same way, if your family has conspicuous traits, teach your kids lighthearted words to respond to those hard situations. Said in a nonchalant way, a single rehearsed sentence builds their confidence for when you aren’t there to help them reply. When people ask if I am their Mom because we don’t look alike, my girls will usually say in a cheery voice, “oh that’s because I came home through adoption!” Kids are amazingly chill most of the time. They respond with “ok, let’s go play!” and don’t think of it again.
As with anything, it is all about the tone of the parents. If you act shocked or overwhelmed or disgusted, they will know. However, if they see you respond to new situations with statements like “that’s interesting” or “tell me more about that”, they will mimic your tone and approach. Somehow, in those little moments where we delight in a family being created through adoption, or welcoming a refugee new to our country, or learn about a new culture we are whispering into the hearts of our kids, ” You are unique. You are different. And that is not just okay. It is amazing.”
