Mama is at Capacity

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PC: Cactus Fox Photography

The year 2018 was a very…interesting year for my household. It was hard. But it was also SO good. We welcomed our third child, our sweet girl. Before she was born our entire house was completely gutted because of major plumbing issues and I was sick my whole pregnancy. Right after she was born, we had the holidays and sickness times a billion. I also have struggled with Postpartum Anxiety. Let’s just say it feels like we haven’t had many moments to catch our breath. We are so incredibly blessed, but with everything going on, my days feel like they bleed together. One day it’s Monday and the next it’s Sunday evening and we are getting ready for a new week that already has a mind of its own. And this is just maintaining my lovely family of five. Mama is at capacity. That being said, connecting with others has been challenging. 

I have wonderful people in my life. That’s why I feel guilty. Guilty that I’m not giving each and every one of them quality time. Then I realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty because right now, my little family should be my focus. They grow so darn fast. But I need to connect too, right? Any time that I have available, I am tired. I’m an introvert and a homebody, and any extra time I have is needed to recharge {alone} from having my kiddos attached to my hip all day. Preferably in comfortable clothes with ice cream in hand. 

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I have a 5 month old along with a 3 and 5 year old. Right now is BUSY. It won’t always be like this. Heck, in a matter of months I may feel so different. But this is now, and now I feel it. I did a poll with my Instagram friends and found it interesting. Most people consider themselves a good friend. Only about 28% (about 20 people) of them feel they aren’t being a good friend. For some reason I thought it’d be more. No matter what the majority says, I’m in that 28%. I’m in that 28% because I feel like can only give friends my leftovers, and lately I don’t even have those.

Maybe you’re in the majority of people who feel like a good friend. You’re one who feels like you’re connecting and able to easily give your time and attention. Can I ask something of you? Be patient with your friends who don’t seem to be reciprocating. I’m saying this from experience. I want to be proactive and attentive to my relationships. I think about all the fun things I want to be able to do with my friends, what I want to do FOR my friends, and even dream about weeknight dinners or family vacations together. The actual doing? Well, that is hard for me. It’s not that I don’t think it takes work to keep connections. It’s that the amount of effort it takes to get out of the house (or invite people to my house) and do anything other than what is currently required of me exceeds the amount of energy I have. 

I feel vulnerable sharing this with all of you. I’m not searching for sympathy or the classic, “it’s going to be okay!” sentiment. I just want to know there are others out there like me and to be understood. I think in our culture we get so offended by things said “between the lines.” I may leave a text message unread and subsequently forget to text you back. I may not be able to engage in a full conversation to truly understand how you’re feeling in your heart. I promise you that it’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s that I have so much stuff that is taking up nearly every bit of space in my brain, and anything leftover is used trying to figure out why the heck my 3 year old just came to me with poop in his hand.

If you’re like me, just know you’re not alone. I don’t have the answers, but I know this is a season. So, for now, I’m giving myself grace. Lots of grace. And believing that most people are just as willing to give us grace too.

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I am a fourth generation Phoenix native and absolutely love it. My husband is the Community Life pastor at our church and I am so proud to be his. I have three kiddos...5 year old Knox, 3 year old Silas, and 8 month old Amelie. I taught 4th and 5th grade for four years, but realized my true dream was being home with my babies. Getting messy, going to the zoo, playing in the mud, and making slime are just a few of our favorite things to do together. We have 2 dogs, a cat, and 11 chickens, because, apparently, I felt like we needed a zoo at our house (and I'm desperately in love with animals). I love to do crafts, organize, and make memories with my family. Introverted, a number 9 on the Enneagram, and total coffee fanatic, you can also find me binging crime documentaries on Netflix (once my kiddos are in bed).

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