Marriage 101: How To Win Every Argument With Your Husband

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September is anniversary month in our house! This month marks thirteen years of wedded bliss–and if you believe the bliss part, you're probably not married. Marriage is work. HARD work. But marriage is the best kind of work, because if you work it, it works! Effort and energy invested into your marriage have exponential payoff and I'm so grateful for that.

164394_10150376783830527_7602515_nMarriage, like life, is cyclical. You cannot judge your life or your love by a single snapshot, a tiny moment in time. It is the sum of it all– all of the tiny moments added up to make a lifetime–that define us. In thirteen years we've had mountain-top-moments, and valleys where I didn't think we'd make it out alive. But we did. And the lessons learned along the way have made all the difference.

One important lesson I've learned is how to fight and win. Now, I need to disclose that our house can often have a friendly lively spirit of competition. Games of Monopoly have been known to end in tears. Early on in our marriage we'd find ourselves arguing over silly things. I'd channel my college speech and debate days, he'd channel his inner wannabe lawyer and we'd try to best each other and come out victorious. Most of the time, I lost. He was quick on his feet, I'd fumble my words. I'd get emotional and then mad that I was getting emotional and then any linear, logical thinking was out the window, forfeiting the victory. Over the years, as I matured, my skills improved. I learned to fight smarter and I remember the first time I walked away from an argument victorious. After a little touchdown celebration, I walked into the other room and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though I had finally won, I had actually lost.

When Brad and I stood on that September day in 2000 and committed our lives to each other, we committed to be unified. To leave our separate lives and build one together…as ONE. Fighting against him and striving to be right only put distance between us. It was then that I realized that if unity is the goal, the only argument either of us win is the one that we end up closer together than when we started. This may seem simple to you, but for me it changed everything.

Every disagreement became an opportunity for us BOTH to win. Being right was no longer my goal, but us standing together, standing strong in unity was my singular focus. The only argument I won was the argument where we ended as one. Now don't get me wrong, there are moments and issues I still feel passionate about- and often I'm tempted to dig my heels in and prepare for a long battle. It's in these moments I have to ask myself, what will be sacrificed in this fight? What is the clearest path to unity? And nearly every time I am faced with the choice between winning and losing: losing my pride so that we can win. Without pride, we can have real and honest discussions that lead to compromise and ultimately victory for our relationship.

As we celebrate thirteen years together, holding hands in unity, I am grateful for these lessons. What marriage lessons can you share with us?

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Noelle Larson is a mom still searching to find the “balance” between her spiritual journey, family, ambition, inner peace, world peace…all while trying not to blink so she doesn’t miss one minute of her beautiful, messy life. Noelle writes at metromom.org where she journals her crazy days chasing after her kids and husband, deep thoughts, and captures her latest adventures.

 

3 COMMENTS

  1. Great post Noelle! I have an amazing husband who is very good at diffusing my crazed rage during a fight. He is great at admitting that he was wrong which then brings me back down to admit I was wrong too and we can begin to solve the problem. Learning how to fight, to give a little and to come to a resolution I agree is so important!

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