For years, I have only had girls. Three little girls right in a row. They are on top of each other just a little over a year apart. The first few years felt like chaos as we got them all potty trained and slightly independent. Then when my youngest was 5 and a half, we were blessed with a son. This was a whole new ball game. Not only did our lives change drastically to “start over,” in baby proofing ways like locking the pool gate and getting up multiple times at night, but also in entering the world of boys. I am pretty conservative in my views of gender, considering them both uniquely made, but this experience has been the most fascinating one thus far in parenting.
My girls are completely different. I have a tom boy, a princess, an artist. I have the dirty one, a clean one, an oblivious one. But my son is a whole new ball game. I have never seen the little things he does. He will chew on his feet, even now at 18 months, just to watch my girls scream in disgust. Not one thing changed in our playroom when he was born. I didn’t change or add toys. Yet, what is he drawn to naturally? Without guidance? Drums, sticks, cars and balls. It is amazing. He will quickly pat a baby doll or give it a slobbery kiss on his way to something much more fascinating. My girls could spend hours nurturing and rocking and loving on those little plastic faces.
My mom was once quoted in a parenting book in the 1980’s. She said, “A little boy can never pass up a good stick.” How true that is. It would never occur to my girls to pick up a stick. Maybe if it was incredibly cool visually. Then to turn around a whack something? Never. In the middle of the second wave of women’s lib, where many mothers were probably trying to equalize the genders, she could so clearly see there was something different about having a son.
Now, I guess my world is about to be rocked again. My friends tell me there is nothing like having a son. Except having two sons right next to each other. Apparently the energy multiplies exponentially. My first is pretty mild mannered for a boy. I am due in just 4 weeks and the boys will be 20 months apart. So we’ll see. I love each of their little hearts and experiencing their unique and gender differences. It wasn’t a necessary part of parenting, but certainly a fun one!!
I have seen this to be so true in our kids too, Cate! It’s amazing to observe the distinct God-given differences between boys and girls and how He made each of the sexes so uniquely different, yet in some ways so similar. Nathan loves to walk around in big sister’s high heels, but then he heads straight outside to dig in the dirt and push his trucks. In fact, as I’m writing this, he just came in from the back yard holding a big rock saying “big rock” and looking prouder than anything!
At first I tried to direct him towards the “boy” toys whenever he picked up his sister’s “girl” toys, but finally realized that he has a big sister that he wants to copy and do what she does. But less than a minute after he picks up her Barbie from the floor, he’s taken her out back where she’s driving the big Tonka truck in the rocks while he makes those innate car sounds that they are born knowing how to make!
I often find myself also thinking about the “nature vs. nurture” discussion having adopted our son. He has so much more of a first born personality than my first born (biological) daughter has, but biologically he is also a first born! I also think about our parenting skills and how we’ve parented very similarly both kids, yet my son is so much more defiant and strong willed than my daughter ever was as he approaches 2 years old in 2 days.
I think you are going to continue to be an awesome mom and all your kiddos are lucky to have you!
Becca
Thanks, Becca! Even in the mix of personalities and nurturing, there is quite a unique aspect of having boys! I love that you are also touching on birth order. That is also a fascinating discussion, especially in adoption!
Oooooh, you know this one of my favorite topics. I have the reputation among my family and friends of being interested in gender stereotyping in children, which often gets interpreted mistakenly and people assume I believe gender difference are only a product of society/nurture, or that we’re wrong to notice or honor them. Not the case. I know there is a ton that is inborn and some of what is inborn is reinforced by our expectations.
I love how you acknowledge that your girls are different in their “girl-ness” and that your boys may be as well. I think where sometimes gender stereotyping can be tricky is when we assume all girls are exactly the same and all boys are just like one another. Toy manufacturers make this even trickier, of course. I don’t think it’s necessarily productive for a child to hear us say “oh, isn’t that just a typical boy thing to do” (even if it is) – any more than it would be for us to generalize that a tall child must be athletic or a quiet child to be publicly labeled as shy all the time.
True though some of those characteristics may be, my personal choice is to view my kids as individuals with all kinds of aspects built-in: a sensitive boy who loves his mom and discovered weapons at 18 months, and a cautious caretaker of a girl who loves Star Wars and football in addition to babies. Some of who they are was pre-determined by their gender – so much of who they are was not.
Our kids will get labeled in all kinds of ways as they go out into the world. At home I try to postpone the gender labeling (even when I know some of their attributes to be part of their natural inborn sex differences) as long as possible and enjoy having one of each who love so many of the same things even as they display some of the more obvious typical differences between the sexes.
Thanks for writing sensitively and personally on such a great topic, Cate! xo
I totally agree that there is something so fake about culture’s push on the sexes. It seems polarizing extremes in both directions for both sexes. Wanting to over masculinize or feminize boys. Same for girls. (like my musician husband cannot possibly be protective or aggressive or my prissy girl couldn’t possibly also love digging for worms or starting a fist fight)
oh, and I too, despise the over generalizations. If one more person tells me Elijah “MUST” be a football player because he is stocky I may scream. He’s totally not stocky for one and what if he hates sports?? so weird
Loved this post Cate!! Two little guys are SO amazing! My kiddos are 22 months a part and it was a challenge for me at first. Two in diapers, two in cribs, two still so dependent on us for almost everything. It’s exhausting. And teaching them to share together has been a daily task, as they are basically playing with the same toys because they’re so close in age. BUT, I have seen them grow SO much together. They are little buddies. I am so excited that they get to grow up together. My tip for you? Is to be patient with your little man as Chet is born. Cruz took awhile to adjust to not being the ‘baby’ and he didn’t want to nurture the new baby or have anything to do with him at first. It took a lot of patience on my part to allow him to experience the whole process and introduction in his own little way and timing. It was totally different than all my friends who have girls. But I have watched them grow into the little buddies that I have been praying for and it blesses my heart every day! Good luck to you girl! You guys are an amazing family! xoxo
thanks, Jess! that is so wise. Having 3 girls together is different because they tend to be more nurturing of a new baby. I am not sure Elijah is ready for this 🙂
My girls are super close. I love hearing that is the same for others. I hope my boys are best buds, too!
Yep yep yep. Totally can relate as far as my own kids go. Something else that’s fascinating to me is how little boys almost ALWAYS pick up sticks when I’m photographing them…especially if they have a brother to “sword fight” with. This is with zero prompting from myself or mom/dad. Interesting for sure!
what is it about sticks?! so funny. Evie also says, “WHY do boys always have to touch things??” So true! I guess it never changes. I am sure you never have to ASK a dad to throw their kids in the air. Not something mommas usually think to do. LOL
ha! true! 🙂
i love this!!! and i love your mom’s quote!!
I know! I’ve always thought that was so simplistic and insightful!
that is so funny about sticks! for a few months I could not figure out why my soon was trying to jump out if his car seat all the time (he was about 6 months old) into the back of the car. well turns out it was because of dads big stick of rattan in the back! of course!
This post is so perfect for me right now! I totally get 100% where you are coming from as this sounds like it could have been written from observing my family as well! Three girls – all different and individual, but definitely similar in their behavior. Then add a boy! They are sooo different – both Jeff and I find ourselves constantly saying – yep, he’s a boy!
The stick thing is so funny! Although, I do have a girl (Sarah this may interest you) who LOVES sticks and rocks. However, her preferred method of play for them is collection. So I find purses, boxes, pockets, caboodles, you name the container, filled with sticks and rocks!
We have a boy, now nearly 4, who while magically attracted to all things that move (cars, trucks, trains, planes etc) and dirt, also goes through spurts of nursing and caring for a particular stuffed animal or baby doll. He will carry it everywhere, tell me it’s sad/tired/crying/hungry etc and proceed to take care of the ‘baby’s’ need. It is very sweet to watch. He is also my sensitive, gentle soul while his sister is my no fear, strong-willed, little firecracker.
I agree it’s nature and nurture (and i’m trying hard to protect his sweet spirit).
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