I have been a mommy now for almost five months, and it has been amazing…but it has also been hard. Not hard like, oh crap I didn’t get to shower today, hard. Hard like, I feel like a failure sometimes, defeated and broken down, hard.
Everyone told me that being a mom is the best and most trying job there is. I knew that it wasn’t going to be all baby giggles and play dates, but I honestly didn’t expect it to have so many ups and downs. There are days where Braylen naps amazingly, sleeps through the night, smiles 90% of the time he is awake, and totally makes me feel like he loves his mommy more than anything in the world..then there are the other days. The days where he only sleeps for 45 minutes on the dot of his two hour naps. Days where he fusses and cries 90% of the time, regardless of if he has my full attention or not. Days where I feel like no matter what I do, its wrong and its not helping him. You know those women who swear that their baby only has rough days on the days where they have to get a lot done, you know- to sabotage the mom? Well sometimes I feel like that! Even though even sane brain cell I have tells me otherwise!
The lack of sleep in the beginning is no joke. It makes you emotional, irrational, and just beyond exhausted. Then their sleep gets better, and then they have weeks where they are off. I know some people don’t get that effected by lack of sleep, and I am so not one of those. When I am exhausted I am a freaking hot mess. And by hot, I mean in my PJs all day, with brushing my teeth for the first time after lunch. Beyond physically being tired, it takes a huge toll on my emotions. When I am sleep deprived that is when I really doubt my abilities as a mommy. I question what I am doing with him, is it the best for him? Can I do something better to help whatever the situation is? How do I struggle this much when I am blessed with a perfectly healthy baby, when other moms have other things stacked against them? Am I the only one who just needs to step out of the room for a minute to gather their thoughts, collect themselves, and say a prayer?
Alas, there is a bright side to this. At the end of the day, I am a mom. A sometimes tired and over emotional, sometimes irrational, but always Braylens mommy. He loves me. He knows my scent, my voice, my smile. I am able to comfort him better than anyone. He smiles the biggest when I make my ridiculous donald the duck voice. He giggles everytime I swing him in my arms. He rests his sweet sweet body against mine after his Dream Feed, and somehow no matter how big he is getting, it fits perfectly every time.
Being a first time mom is a ride. A bumpy, hard, and beautiful ride. I am not writing this to scare any of you who aren’t moms yet, simply so that if/when you feel any of these emotions, you know you are not alone. You are not the first one to feel this way. And yes, there are still going to be hard days, but the beautiful ones always outweigh the hard ones. Afterall, no matter how tough the middle of the night was, I always get the biggest most beautiful smile in the morning..and that…makes it all worth it.
Do you feel the same at all? Any advice for other first time moms? You know, other than the obvious advice of when all else fails, eating a big bowl of ice cream.