Remember when the ad campaign started a couple of years ago about talking to your children about the dangers of smoking? The commercials showed uncomfortable and bashful parents initiating conversations with their middle school age children while the voice over reassured you that you could in fact have these conversations and this movement would even provide you conversation starters and tips on what to say and how to say it.
I am in full support of public servant announcements like this. Why? Because there are more parents than you realize that have trouble talking to their kids. We can’t assume anything. The truth of the matter is that all of us as parents need all the help we can get. Now, chances are, if you are reading this blog you are a proactive parent: someone who searches the internet for the most recently announced recalls, tries to stay on top of current studies and trends in vaccines, and wants nothing more than to understand if a 5 year old boy with a late summer birthday should go ahead and start Kindergarten or be held back a year. Oh wait; maybe that last one is just me… I digress.
Back to the PSA. I want to give you one about talking to your daughters about their body image. Body image, and the complexities of understanding what that really is, doesn’t really become an issue where you need the help of a therapist unless there is a severe problem. A lot of parents think that if their daughter doesn’t talk about her body, eats healthy, and isn’t consumed with image, counting calories, or comparison (with her peers or celebrities) then there really isn’t an issue. Parents are often fearful that they will put bad thoughts in their child’s mind if they ask her questions about what she thinks and don’t want to cause her to think about something if it isn’t really an issue. This is what we call ignorant bliss.
If you have a daughter, she is going to think about her body (positively or negatively), she is going to try to come to a baseline of understanding of what “normal” is based on her peers and the images that she comes in contact with everyday, and she is going to wonder (especially if she is an adolescent) if anything is ever going to stop changing and what can she do about it. Your daughter might not have a negative body image, but she absolutely has one (an image, perception, idea, etc.) and it is your job to understand what lens she views her body through. That means you have to ask her about it.
Here are some tips to help you ease into that conversation…
- Start young. The earlier you have conversations, even about health and wellness, the easier it will be to have those conversations set the stage for deeper topics. “Do you know why you can’t have soda in your lunch every day at school? It is because there is nothing nutritional in those drinks and I want to make sure that what you eat feeds your body and your brain so you can concentrate and learn at school!”
- Like what they like (even if you are pretending). Make it a habit to understand the plot lines and characters on the television shows, books and movies that your daughter loves. Ask to read the books together, out loud perhaps? Or go see the movie apart from your teenager. What scenes or scenarios need to be explained or asked about? If your child is watching television then sit down with them and watch too. You can use that opportunity to see what she sees and ask her what she thought about what that character was wearing, how she acted, etc.
- Make it natural. In the grocery store, while shopping, while driving in the car, all of these everyday occurrences are great times to ask your daughter what she thinks about being a girl. If she is a teenager, ask her how it feels to be going through so much change. If she resists or tells you this is awkward, remind her that you were a young woman once too and you know what it is like to not want to talk to your mom about everything, but you are your daughters’ safest place to ask hard questions and discuss even harder scenarios. Keep trying. The more comfortable you are asking the questions, the more comfortable she will be answering them.
- Finally, keep at it. One of the greatest gifts you can give any child is the gift of consistency. They may be unsure of what to say or how to say it, but if you make it a habit to be natural, calm and confident then over time she will come to understand that she can talk to you. As a Mother, you have to be the one to keep asking questions though. Never assume that your daughter doesn’t have questions or is doing just fine because she has never brought it up with you. She probably doesn’t know how. Your consistency in building deeper conversations into your everyday interactions will go a long way in modeling healthy interactions. You can do this!
