Sticky Situations | What Do You Say?

We moms are all supposed to be on the same team, right? But what about those times when you catch another mom giving you a sideways judgy glance – whether it’s because you just let your toddler eat a cracker off the floor or your preschooler is getting bullied by a bigger kid and you step in to reprimand the offender? In this series we’re talking about these sticky situations…the ones where you feel like you might be breaking some sort of unspoken rule – if only you knew what it was! Help us solve these tricky questions in the comments – sound off with your own opinions and let’s get some discussion going!

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This is a typical conversation between my three-year-old and someone she is meeting for the first time:

Friendly new person: Hi, Allegra! It’s nice to meet you!
Allegra: [silence … bites lip … kicks the ground]
Me: [nudging Allegra] Say ‘nice to meet you’, sweetie.
Allegra: [marginal eye contact with new person … silence … half a smile]
Friendly new person: You have beautiful eyes [or outfit, or hair, or whatever]!
Allegra: [nods imperceptibly … looks at me]
Me: [to Allegra] Say ‘thank you’… [then, to Friendly New Person] Thank you. We’re happy to meet you, too.

I feel torn about these situations. I believe that the best way to teach our kids polite manners is to model them, and I think I do a pretty good job of this. I also think small children need little reminders here and there to say ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, etc. But there’s something disingenuous and kind of pushy about forcing pleasantries out of your child’s mouth in a situation where they aren’t quite comfortable (and don’t get me started on forcing our kids to hug and kiss relatives they’ve never met against their will … that’s a whole other post!). I don’t think it does our little ones any good and it certainly isn’t any more pleasant for the other person in the conversation. I also don’t believe it’s appropriate to ‘apologize’ for my child by saying “oh, she’s just shy” – especially right in front of the child – when the shyness or hesitancy is normal, age-appropriate behavior.

But I DO believe it’s important for my kids to learn how to look someone in the eye, shake their hand and exchange basic pleasantries; and while we’re not quite there yet, at three, I don’t want to come across as rude in the meantime. My solution has been to give a couple of gentle nudges or reminders and then to speak genuinely on both our behalf by saying “thank you,” or “it’s so nice to meet you,” or whatever it is I would have wanted her to say. If we can, we dialogue and even role play before and after these situations so she knows what the ideal behavior would be without feeling criticized for the way she’s feeling.

My hope is that as she gets older the motivation to be open and friendly with others will come from a genuine desire to connect, and not because she was forced to talk to grown-ups in a certain way until it became automatic. But until then I’m not sure how to handle these situations.

How do you encourage (or enforce) social graces with your kids? What do you do in situations where your child is acting shy or not relating how you might have hoped they would? How have your older kids evolved in this way? Help a mama out!!

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Sarah Powers is a writer and Scottsdale mom of two. She came to the valley from Southern California by way of Chicago and would take Arizona summers over Midwest winters any day. A perfect day for Sarah starts with coffee, ends with chardonnay and includes lots of baby giggles and sticky-fingered kid kisses in between. She loves high ponytails, showtunes and using her kids as an excuse to stay in and go to bed early, which she would do anyway. Sarah sometimes blogs and often tweets about the messy, tender, fun, funny and irreverent moments of parenthood.