We moms are all supposed to be on the same team, right? But what about those times when you catch another mom giving you a sideways judgy glance – whether it’s because you just let your toddler eat a cracker off the floor or your preschooler is getting bullied by a bigger kid and you step in to reprimand the offender? In this series we’re talking about these sticky situations…the ones where you feel like you might be breaking some sort of unspoken rule – if only you knew what it was! Help us solve these tricky questions in the comments – sound off with your own opinions and let’s get some discussion going!
As a multi-ethnic family, we are obviously conspicuous. If you don’t know a family like ours, you would probably be astonished at the things strangers ask me about my children and family. I could literally write 20 blogs posts on the questions people should NEVER ask. I used to be absolutely shocked. Now, it rarely affects me. I’ve learned how to engage briefly, deflect and keep moving. On my good days, I have a great answer. Others, I may or may not admit to possibly or not using sarcasm to combat ignorance. 😛
One question recently comes at me often with our new baby. It hasn’t really affected me one way or the other because I can answer with a smile and a positive response. Until 2 weeks ago. Now I can’t get it out of my head. I was standing with some girlfriends at a splash pad holding my yummy bundle of joy. He was sleeping peacefully against my chest and a friend of a friend asked THE question. “Soooo, is he a good baby?”
For the first time in almost 3 months, I stood there dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. You see, a sweet friend was standing beside me at the time. What this stranger didn’t know, was that in the stroller behind my friend was her baby who had finally fallen asleep. I knew if the question had been posed to her, she probably would have burst into tears and had to say something like, “it has been very hard.” I realized how horrible the question is. Why do we ask that question? Maybe out of habit? What constitutes a “good” baby? Not only is the question ridiculous but what if the answer is less than perfect? Do we care about the answer? Not only did it make me question more closely the words that come out of my mouth when I speak to others but also made me seriously consider what I should have said to acknowledge my friend’s heart and the emptiness of the question itself.
I know some of you have to have been in a similar situation!! How would you have answered such an awkward question while still being sensitive to the hearts of your children or others around you or even the hopefully well-intentioned stranger?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Cate Johnson has been married to her best friend, Sean, for 10 years. She is the mother to their three Haitian princesses who came home forever in 2008. They also brought home a son domestically in March. She is passionate about Jesus, adoption, and attachment. She also loves coming alongside prospective adoptive parents as well as those struggling through transition and attachment. Cate blogs about all of these topics and more at Gathered From Afar and Attaching Hearts.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Are you registered for our upcoming Mom’s Night Out?
Tickets are sold out, but keep checking our Facebook page and the blog for updates as we hope to open up a few additional spots as the date draws near…
If you’re registered to go, make sure your schedule is cleared and childcare is arranged for Thursday, July 21 from 7-9pm – we’re going to have a fantastic evening!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I agree. It’s a ridiculous question. I have been lucky that my 4 month old son doesn’t give me as many troubles as, say, my sister-in-law’s girls. If I respond with a “it’s been difficult”, does that mean I have a “bad” baby?
What a great point Cate, what a horrible thing to ask about someone’s child. I think a good way to answer is ‘Of course they are a good baby, all babies are such a gift!’ or something like that. I think I’d respond that way because I think most people ask things like that without thinking or really caring about the answer- sort of like the ‘How are you.’ If they want specifics as to how they are sleeping, or if they have colic, or what not let them ask that. But I think you are right that we have to tread lightly to be sensitive to the hearts of others.
Sometimes I think the question is more about “how are you as a mom doing?” more than whether your baby is “good” or not. They may mean, are you getting enough sleep?, or does the baby eat well enough to not have indigestion? When your baby is super-cute, strangers feel compelled to say something. Perhaps it should just be, “You have such a cute baby!”
Cate, I appreciate your sensitivity to this question! As a parent of a “difficult” baby, who is now 6 years old, I often stumbled on what to say about my daughter. People would often offer me hope that she would get “better”. Even though I knew their good intentions and that what they really meant is that they hoped I would get more sleep, be able to sit down for a minute, etc, I always felt somehow that I just wanted people to like my daughter for who she was, difficult or not! Now, she is an amazing 6 year old who is caring, perceptive, observant, and a deep thinker, all wonderful qualities that just made it hard to be an infant! Thanks for the reminder to be thoughtful in how we talk to other parents!
Erin, I think you are right. It is almost like you feel someone is giving your baby a label at such an early age. My baby is sooo much more than his sleeping patterns. 🙂
Comments are closed.