Not my BFF!

4

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article on the importance of friendships in motherhood.  It is so important and I hope that you all have friends in your life that provide encouragement, support, and a sense of humor when the trials of motherhood are in full force.  I would never tell you who you should or should not be friends with, that is not my place nor is it a good idea.  After all friendship is like dating, you both have to make it work.  Having said that, I do think there is someone that you should never be best friends with. That person (or persons) is your child.

I rarely make such dogmatic black and white statements but I am pretty passionate about this one and I really do think it is for the best.  Here’s why:  Children don’t need another friend; there are plenty of those to go around.  What they do need are parents and sadly in this day and age those are diminishing at an alarming rate.

A few disclaimers; First, as an adult woman, you may be thinking to yourself that your mother is your best friend and you would tell her anything. That is fabulous!  But, you are an adult now.  That relationship is completely different than the one you have with your small child and hopefully different than the relationship she had with you when you were a child.  Secondly, I am not referring to basic acts of kindness that are a natural and healthy component of friendships.  Please, be kind to your children!  Of course I am not saying that you shouldn’t like your children or be kind to them like you would with your peers – not at all!  I am talking about the things that we unintentionally may do with or for our kids that my cross a relationship boundary that needs to be established with your child.

So what should you be on the lookout for when it comes to making sure that you remain in the parent role and not in the best friend category?  These are my top three warning signs:

  1. Don’t let your children’s opinion of you drive your parenting choices or decisions. This is not a popularity contest.  When you make a decision that is not “what all the other mother’s are doing” or “isn’t fair” . . . Stick to it!  You made that decision for a reason and hopefully did so with thought and potential counsel.  You are thinking for your child’s best interest and whether it is a safety issue, a relational issue, or a small circumstantial decision, try not to be swayed by your child’s opinion of you.  Children crave boundaries and while they may not like it at the time that you told them they couldn’t walk around the mall by themselves at 8 years old, they will rest secure in knowing that they are thought for and loved by the boundaries you provide.
  2. Keep your negative opinions about your spouse to yourself when you are around your children. All of us have moments of frustration with our spouses and we naturally want to vent about it – just don’t vent to your children.  They don’t have the emotional maturity to be able to handle such statements about their other parent without thinking that you always think that way.  Not to mention that they don’t understand that the frustration is temporary and you are able to get over it on your own quickly, they are not.  For example, if your spouse didn’t clean up after themselves like you had asked and find yourself with more housework then you intentionally thought, then keep your comments to yourself! If your child asks you what is wrong, you don’t have to lie about it, just be honest without throwing your spouse under the bus.  Instead of saying, “I can’t believe Daddy is so messy, look at all this work he left for me to do, what a slob!” say, “I am a little upset that I have so much work to do today, but I know if I work hard I can get it done.”
  3. Finally, security and safety and the feeling of unconditional love in our children’s lives come from consistency in parenting, not perfection. We are all going to make mistakes, but if your child sees that your love for them is not based on their actions or behavior they will be secure.  Even though they may test your patience and drive you to want to compromise your standards or give in to their incessant requests, don’t compromise.  The security of knowing that you stand by your word and are consistent every time will be much more valuable than their temporary wants being met.

Whether this is all new to you or you have heard it all before, take some time this weekend to reflect on your parenting.  Where are you excelling?  Where do you need a tune up?  It’s ok and even good to evaluate, but don’t be too hard on yourself if there are areas that you need to grow in.  Parenting is hard stuff and takes work.  Just remember, it’s “parenting” not “friend-ing”.

 

Tracy Carson is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor, a wife to her Prince Charming whom she has been married to for 8 years and a Mom of two precious boys, 3 and 1.  Tracy has a passion for helping women feel beautiful inside and out and works hard in her faith based counseling practice, Professional Counseling Associates,  to encourage her clients to feel the freedom to be comfortable in their own skin.  She specializes in the treatment of eating disorders and counts it a privilege to come alongside of women as they overcome the stress that can come with new life transitions. Find her on the web at https://www.pcaaz.com

 

 

 

 

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tracycarson
Tracy Carson is a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor, a wife to her Prince Charming whom she has been married to for 10 years and a Mom of two precious boys, 5 and 3. Tracy has a passion for helping women feel beautiful inside and out and works hard in her faith based counseling practice, Professional Counseling Associates, (www.pcaaz.com) specializing in the treatment of women’s issues: especially anxiety, development, and eating disorders and counts it a privilege to come alongside of women as they overcome the stress that can come with new life transitions. When Tracy is not in her professional role, you can probably find her out running or trying to figure out how to incorporate the newest fashion trends into her wardrobe. Follow her on twitter @tkcarson

4 COMMENTS

  1. Couldn’t agree more! I think it is hard when we are with our kids all of the time not to blur those boundaries or share things they shouldn’t hear or handle at their age.

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